Monday, October 30, 2006
Sunny smiles and cloudy skies
Not much more I can ask of now
Autumn misted October
The chilly dawn of December...
In between then and when,
Will you spend some time by this cold side?
Just need some sunny smiles and cloudy skies
i knew you not. a couple of years of love's labour lost before i came along. a couple more years to learn of joy and pain. of sorrow that secretes its whiffs long after the hurt has passed. a wakening once the sniffles and snot subsided with the precariousness of early childhood's end. learnt of that fateful night you took the rainbow bus. you were missed. not by me.
i have often felt a deep unrest. detached from what i should have been if genes have a pull. detached and unsure of why i am how i am. but i have never been able to shake off this restless yearning. deep within. welling. screaming. sobbing. gagging. i am not often me. incomplete.
i took your place. 500 miles in a little red coat. my first big adventure. the lady told me years later - cheeks pinched with the wind eager with the fare thee wells.
many autumns for this december's child. each grey season made me long more for the desired twin. a certitude that grew with the vacuum within. i probed. turned out to be a fancy whim.
under the moon glow spread eagled on cold concrete me and blood brother spoke of you. snooping through his room i had found a poem for you. he misses you. no. the memory of you. the ten days he was betrayed of a brother for life. he is the only one who has held my pain and i his. through that moment we both reached out and touched the pale fading gloom. we knew it. i am you. was meant to be. have been. will be. sure wish could have been the three of us that night.
your grave a crumbling grey
your soul a ruddy ray
brimming through this oyster's pearl
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Tunnel to Blue
Daddy's gone down the rum dum hole. Think I'm bitter? Think twice. Every second day I live, thoughts of a never ending river of disconnect seeks to reason why there's no pain. Maybe I didn't know him at all. Is that cause enough for this irreversible separation? Truth is, I chose the conditioning. Lost all instincts to moor myself to betrayed birthrights. Predestined to live, learn, accept, forgive, hurt, hate, lust, resent, recoil, forget - canonic human fate.
"For all the things I'm losing
I might as well resign myself to try and make a change..."
And now twenty years hence I claim peace with all remembrances of
life’s uncanny route. This spirit lives on - sighing, yearning, happy to breathe.
“Me my thoughts are flower strewn,
Ocean storm, bayberry moon…”
Deep in your eyes a whisper gathers; I once was you